There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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