I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
