this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i think i just lost a toe
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
