Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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