I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
