wrigley field is MILF paradise
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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