is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm sobbing to NWA
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
