Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
