I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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