Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
