I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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