Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
