3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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