My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize