Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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