Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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