i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
