Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
