I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
