Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
