New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
