i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
