11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize