Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
