Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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