mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
