ya dads aren't the best wingmen
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
