Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Someone shit on the floor
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
