I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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