Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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