Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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