why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
