You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
