i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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