They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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