they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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