well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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