I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
