the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize