i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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