i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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