dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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