ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
