i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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