Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
why is half of my head shaved?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
