plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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