Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
