never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
