Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
