I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
