I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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