Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
