new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
