i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
