dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
