I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
3 2 1 whiskey
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize