it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
