your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just googled if crying burns calories
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
