Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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