he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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