I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
