My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize