You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
