sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the day after is always just damage control
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
