I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
